First, let me start off by asking if your league is PPR.
Second, let me inform you that it doesn’t matter. Stats are for scrubs.
1.
Aaron Rodgers – HE’S NO BRETT FAVRE!! However,
let me explain. First, Green Bay possesses arguably the best not-tatted-up O-Line
in the league. I thought every offensive lineman’s contract included a copious
bicep tattoo clause, but Green Bay has once again proved me wrong. Second, Rodgers
basically has a potato gun surgically attached to his arm calibrated to shoot
out footballs. Lucky for you, this is technically not a banned performance
enhancing substance…yet. Last, and most important, have you seen this dude’s girlfriend?
If she’s jumping on the Aaron Rodgers train, I think we’d be wise to follow her.
2.
Julio Jones – There’s no doubt about it, this man
is just a freak athlete. The only logical explanation for his athleticism is his
hairstyle. That’s right, I’m talking about the dreads. If you’ve ever read the
story of Samson then you will know that this is more than just a theory. Plus, with
his P.I.C. Roddy White pimp slapping cornerbacks on the other side, look for
Jones to have plenty of opportunities to catch the ball and do what he does
best: intimidate defensive backs into letting him score touchdowns.
3.
Chris Johnson – It is frightening to think that
Chris Johnson’s worst season of his career was still a 1,000-yard performance.
With a full offseason, no contract disputes, and fighting words for Usain Bolt,
expect Chris Johnson and his dreadlocks to bounce back in very a big way. This
isn’t just me making these predictions people, it’s science. In the words of Paul Wall, Chris
Johnson (as a result of his grill),“might cause a cold front if he takes a deep
breath.” Gold Teeth = Cold Teeth. Cold Teeth = Touchdowns. Gold Teeth =
Touchdowns. It’s the transitive
property.
4.
Ray Rice – With every pattern, there’s always an
exception. Ray Rice is that exception. Although he doesn’t sport the magical dreadlocks,
his forearm tattoos do tell us that he is the “Gifted One” in Old English
letters, and I tend to believe them. He is a great rusher. Plus, he has the
added value of catching the ball out of the backfield. Rice was second among
running backs in total TDs last season with fifteen. Look for him to improve on
that number this year, because if you’re not first, you’re last.
5.
Wes Welker – If you are unable to grow
dreadlocks or get tattoos to enhance your playmaking ability, the next best
thing is to follow the footsteps of your quarterback and find a very attractive
wife . I’m sure she has a great personality too. Anyway, Welker has caused
5’ 9” shifty white guys the world over to dream that they too can play in the
NFL one day. While most of his YouTube highlight videos are set to angry Linkin
Park-esque music he also has one set to the tune of the Gym Class Heroes,
further displaying his versatility. With free agency looming, expect a statistical tour de force
so intense that it will make you want to pee/possibly poop your pants…and not
even care.
6.
Sleeper: Cedric Benson – Entering his 8th
season in the NFL one would hardly expect Cedric Benson to do much this year.
However, what the Packers truly get is a running back that has proven his worth
recently with 1,000-yard seasons (dreadlocks), health, and some off-field
antics worthy of a few headlines. When he’s not too busy reclaiming
his “stolen” TV,
he’ll be busy scoring touchdowns. With a stacked offensive line, dangerous
receivers, and Mr. Discount Double Check running the show, look for Benson to
find lanes large enough to drive a truck through. Like a semi-tuck, not just
one of those little Ford Rangers.
